Raining on Sunday.

Dreams...We have them for the sole purpose of fulfilling something, the trouble is when they get delayed or they fade away it leaves us feeling unsettled.

My talk show didn't get the funding needed to continue on air, and after sitting on this reality for almost a month; my dream feels like its slowly slipping into a memory. Today I broke, in the shower, the typical place I wail out my pain. The thing is, in my heart, I do trust the Lord. In all my uncertainty that I've experienced in the last 2 years, I still trust. Is it easy? Is it a daily struggle? Is it hopeless? No. yes. no. Life isn't easy, struggles are normal, but hope is always there, because my hope is in Him.

I am so very grateful for the blessings I do have in my life, a beautiful family, great friends, and my needs being met. Yet, at times I feel so alone. I have bills to pay, yet no profession. I have a heart that wants to love, yet no one there I want to hold. I'm full of Faith and yet so many times I fall into fear. Fear that I know, God has conquered, made victorious so that I can be free. Why do I live such contradictions? I want more. I want to be more. I want to be free, I want to see others needs met. I don't want to cry tears of frustration and ever project my needs on to people. I want to take care of my family. I want to take and support my friends, to help them see their dreams come to pass. The funny thing is I don't look at my friends and family and mourn that I can't be them or have what they have. I want them to fly, I want them to succeed, I believe in them, I believe they are beautiful souls all reaching for the ultimate goal to fulfill the purpose for the Kingdom of Heaven. I just want to soar alongside in that place. I feel like a hummingbird at times, flapping twice as hard to get there. Knowing that God has the best in store, knowing that I need to soul search my heart, because most fault is found there. Am I pushing hard enough? Probably not. I know that in God's heart, I don't need to strive, but where did I miss it? How can I change? I want to change I want to do it right. I want to make better decisions. I want to have a pure heart, with pure motives. I want to fully trust. I want resolution.

So, as the rain pour down today over my soul, and the shower water cleansed my body, I know the the watering of God's Word will wash over my spirit. It will bring life, It is life, It is my life. I will trust, I will not give up, I will stand. I am not without hope, just sayin'.

Ahhh I feel better. This blogging thing is nice, almost therapeutic.